George W. Bush

In 2006, George announced that he favors a temporary:

a) U.S. Guest worker program.

b) "Surge" in troops to Iraq.

c) Spy program on selected U.S. citizens.

d) Budget deficit.

e) All of the above.

In early 2006, George told Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki during a face-to-face meeting:

a) "I am impressed by the strength of your character and your desire to succeed and I am impressed by your strategy."

b) "Do I make you horny? How about shedding the shirt and sending me a picture? I would love a picture."

c) "I have the feeling that about 60 percent of what you say is crap."

d) "You've got that little smirk on your face and you think you're so clever. But I had responsibility for trying to protect this country. I tried and I failed to get bin Laden. I regret it. But I did try."

e) "I don't care what people are saying uptown, or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate by the end of the day."


VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you. (Applause) Wow, that's quite a welcome. Lynne, the little test-tube grandkid and I are delighted to be here today. And I want to thank you for that fantastic welcome.

Let me say good afternoon to my fellow Americans. It's great to be here today at Camp Victory! (Light applause.)

I have a message from the folks back home: We're grateful for your service in "Operation One More Desert Crackdown II," and we're delighted with the progress that’s being made. (Sound of cough in back.)

I'm only sorry I couldn't come last month. They told me Britney Spears-Wolfowitz was here, and the doctor said my heart couldn’t take the excitement. (Sound of potato chip being crunched.)

But, seriously, I was last here two years ago, and it’s obvious to me that we have finally turned the page in the war on terror. (Laughter.)

And make no mistake about it. We are winning this war! (Sound of "Meow" from back row. Followed by "Moo," "Cock-a-doodle-doo," barnyard noises.)

OFF-MIKE VOICE: All right, you assholes! Knock it off!

VICE PRESIDENT: … And I wanted to let you know how much I personally appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made. (Pin dropping onto floor.)

And to each and every one of you, I bring the personal gratitude and the good wishes of our Commander-in-Chief, President George W. Bush. (Sound of knee cracking, as White House aide bends to retrieve pin.)

It’s now been seven years since the United States was attacked by a terror network much like the one that was at the time believed by all to be planned by the evil monster dictator, the late Saddam Hussein. (Throat cleared in back row.)

And certainly, nobody can ever forget the unforgettable events of September 11th, 2001. (Sound of wind blowing outside auditorium.)

Now, with the help of our great former allies, we have brought democracy to Iraq and built a great, professional Iraqi Army. (Sneezing. Burps. Passing of gas. Laughter.)

OFF-MIKE VOICE: All right, you assholes! That’s enough!

VICE PRESIDENT: It’s now nearly six years since the liberation of Baghdad. I know, to some of us, it seems like yesterday. (Sound of sweat droplet from vice president’s nose splashing on floor.)

So, in conclusion, thanks again for everything. (Loud ticking of Vice President’s watch.)

If any of you have any questions.... (Chairs being folded.) Um, I was told I could get a picture with some of you? (Auditorium emptying.) One of you...?

2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

In 2006, Mahmoud came out in opposition to:

a) Birth control.

b) Neckties.

c) Jews.

d) World peace.

e) All of the above.

After being elected President of Iran, Mahmoud went to his people and said:

a) "Thanks to the blood of the martyrs, a new Islamic revolution has arisen."

b) "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best for us is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

c) "You study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

d) "Hey, let's get drunk and start World War III!"