LIFE AFTER METH
11. (Tie) Rev. Ted Haggard
According to the Wall Street Journal, Ted liked to joke that his only disagreement with the leader of the Western world is:
a) "Mr. Bush drives a Ford pickup, whereas he prefers a Chevy."
b) "Mr. Bush drives troops into Iraq, whereas he prefers to drive his stiff penis into a butt of a man."
c) "Mr. Bush tried cocaine, whereas he prefers old-fashioned biker crank."
In 2006, after suffering through allegations of homosexuality and drug use, Ted said in a public statement:
a) "I am a deceiver and a liar. The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality...There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life."
b) "Jesus H. Christ, this blows. But guess what? I just found out that I can save big money on my car insurance! Haha. Just keeeding, folks, just keeeding. That's all for now, everybody. Aloha, God bless and goodnight!"
d) "I guess somebody's not going to find green gravy in the donation bucket tonight."
posted by A.H.O.Y. Permalink
1 Comments:
Ted has earned a nice warm spot reserved for God's own "Special Ed" class: the psychotic fundamentalist fire and brimstone spewing intolerant hate mongers who have twisted the Bible (insert any holy scripture of your choice here) and use it to aggrandize their own importance, gain temporal power, wealth, etc., while preaching lies and telling his flock to "do as I say, not as I do" in serving God. Along with Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell, and dozens of other liars, thieves, and snake oil salesmen (but most importantly, the pious self- serving hypocrites who claim to have God's ear and vice versa), Ted will have lots of company among that elite who tout their superiority to us mere mortals, smug in the knowledge that they are God's chosen. Wait 'til you find out what you've been "saved" for! Pack light, and bring some tanning lotion- SPF 1,000,000 or so should help! An AHOY finalist indeed!
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