SURGE PROTECTOR George W. Bush YOUR 2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR

In 2006, George announced that he favors a temporary:

a) U.S. Guest worker program.

b) "Surge" in troops to Iraq.

c) Spy program on selected U.S. citizens.

d) Budget deficit.

e) All of the above.

In early 2006, George told Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki during a face-to-face meeting:

a) "I am impressed by the strength of your character and your desire to succeed and I am impressed by your strategy."

b) "Do I make you horny? How about shedding the shirt and sending me a picture? I would love a picture."

c) "I have the feeling that about 60 percent of what you say is crap."

d) "You've got that little smirk on your face and you think you're so clever. But I had responsibility for trying to protect this country. I tried and I failed to get bin Laden. I regret it. But I did try."

e) "I don't care what people are saying uptown, or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate by the end of the day."

Editorial: TRANSCRIPT OF DICK CHENEY'S NEXT RALLY WITH U.S. TROOPS IN IRAQ

VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you. (Applause) Wow, that's quite a welcome. Lynne, the little test-tube grandkid and I are delighted to be here today. And I want to thank you for that fantastic welcome.

Let me say good afternoon to my fellow Americans. It's great to be here today at Camp Victory! (Light applause.)

I have a message from the folks back home: We're grateful for your service in "Operation One More Desert Crackdown II," and we're delighted with the progress that’s being made. (Sound of cough in back.)

I'm only sorry I couldn't come last month. They told me Britney Spears-Wolfowitz was here, and the doctor said my heart couldn’t take the excitement. (Sound of potato chip being crunched.)

But, seriously, I was last here two years ago, and it’s obvious to me that we have finally turned the page in the war on terror. (Laughter.)

And make no mistake about it. We are winning this war! (Sound of "Meow" from back row. Followed by "Moo," "Cock-a-doodle-doo," barnyard noises.)

OFF-MIKE VOICE: All right, you assholes! Knock it off!

VICE PRESIDENT: … And I wanted to let you know how much I personally appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made. (Pin dropping onto floor.)

And to each and every one of you, I bring the personal gratitude and the good wishes of our Commander-in-Chief, President George W. Bush. (Sound of knee cracking, as White House aide bends to retrieve pin.)

It’s now been seven years since the United States was attacked by a terror network much like the one that was at the time believed by all to be planned by the evil monster dictator, the late Saddam Hussein. (Throat cleared in back row.)

And certainly, nobody can ever forget the unforgettable events of September 11th, 2001. (Sound of wind blowing outside auditorium.)

Now, with the help of our great former allies, we have brought democracy to Iraq and built a great, professional Iraqi Army. (Sneezing. Burps. Passing of gas. Laughter.)

OFF-MIKE VOICE: All right, you assholes! That’s enough!

VICE PRESIDENT: It’s now nearly six years since the liberation of Baghdad. I know, to some of us, it seems like yesterday. (Sound of sweat droplet from vice president’s nose splashing on floor.)

So, in conclusion, thanks again for everything. (Loud ticking of Vice President’s watch.)

If any of you have any questions.... (Chairs being folded.) Um, I was told I could get a picture with some of you? (Auditorium emptying.) One of you...?

ISN'T IT IRANIC... DON'T'CHA THINK? 2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

In 2006, Mahmoud came out in opposition to:

a) Birth control.

b) Neckties.

c) Jews.

d) World peace.

e) All of the above.

After being elected President of Iran, Mahmoud went to his people and said:

a) "Thanks to the blood of the martyrs, a new Islamic revolution has arisen."

b) "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best for us is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

c) "You study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

d) "Hey, let's get drunk and start World War III!"

Editorial: AN INCONVENIENT RUTH

It sucks hard that San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds fell out of the top 40 in 2006 because––alongside 26 HR and 77 RBI––he gave us some great pictures last year.

THE SHOOTIST 3. Dick Cheney

To avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Dick:

a) Applied for and received five deferments.

b) Lined his butt with peanut butter before his Army physical.

c) Noted that, as a devout Quaker, he is morally and philosophically opposed to all war.

d) Told Army psychiatrists he feared his future daughter would be gay.

Dick in 2006 described the near death of his friend, Harry Whittington, this way:

a) "The image of him falling is something I'll never be able to get out of my mind. I fired, and there's Harry falling. And it was, I'd have to say, one of the worst days of my life, at that moment."

b) "A little blood. A little pain. Nothing to write home about. Hell, I'm not running for office again. What's he gonna do, not vote for me?"

c) "It wasn't my kill shot. If I'd used my kill shot, he wouldn't be talking about it now."

d) "Immediately, he started apologizing. At first, I wanted none of it. But as the extent of his injuries became clear, I started to feel sorry for him. I motioned for the doctor, even though I knew it meant the press would soon be making a big stink. But that's me. Helping him was just the right thing to do."

GUILTY PLEASURE 4. O.J. Simpson

In 2006, Fox scuttled plans for a televised two-part interview with O.J. after:

a) Network affiliates threatened not to air it.

b) Rupert Murdoch evolved a conscience.

c) The world rebelled.

d) Charles Manson became available.

Fox promoted its special on O.J.'s book, If I Did It, by saying:

a) "O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes."

b) "You think we're evil? Wait'll you see this!"

c) "Why is everybody so pissed about this? Nobody minded when we interviewed Dick Cheney."

d) "O.J.'s back, and the knife cuts both ways! An all-new O.J. Blood-of-the-Slasher Confessional, after Pardon My Feces, tonight on Fox!"

MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD 5. Kim Jong Il

According to North Korean media, the first time Jong Il ever played golf:

a) He shot five holes-in-one and finished the day 38 under-par.

b) He scored three touchdowns and led his team to victory.

c) He got drunk off his ass.

Jong Il claims that, because he is God's chosen leader, it is his divine right to possess:

a) Nuclear missiles.

b) Palace uniforms as cool as the ones in The Wizard of Oz.

c) Wallet photographs of Vin Diesel.

d) The head of Vin Diesel.

WHO MADE THE TOP FIVE?Beware The Eyes That Paralyze

Five fingers.

Five toes.

Five oceans.

Five books of Moses.

Five pillars of Islam.

Five pedals on a rose.

Five digits in a zip code.

And five candidates left for 2006 A.H.O.Y.

BEGINNING MONDAY:

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN.

AHOY WEEK IN AMERICA.

PENTA-GONE 6. Donald Rumsfeld

In early 2006, eight retired generals recommended that Donald:

a) Resign.

b) Hike the world, plant a tree, fall in love, live.

c) Take up full-contact rugby.

d) Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Sam.

In Donald's Pentagon farewell ceremony, Vice President Dick Cheney called him:

a) "The finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had."

b) "Macaca."

c) Sugartits"

d) "The boss with the sauce, the man with the plan, the hot Secretary with the overripe cherry - no, wait, that's Condi. (laughter applause).. The man who brought venereal disease to Washington. (laughter, applause) Seriously, though, folks, he's truly a great sport and all-around good guy."

e) "Mister My-Way-Or-the-Highway. Well, I guess that's finally been decided!"

SUGARTIT INSPECTOR 7. Mel Gibson

In 2006, while drunkenly raving about Jews to the Los Angeles Police Department, Mel repeatedly called a female sergeant:

a) "Sugartits."

b) "Sugar Bush."

c) "Macaca."

d) "Sergeant Bagelwitz."

e) "Officer Oinker."

During his tirade, Mel reportedly blamed the Jews for:

a) All the wars in the world.

b) Nasty reviews of "The Passion of the Christ."

c) Cheap movie budgets.

d) Making the road dance around, as it was doing before he was pulled over.

UGLY BETTY 8. Ann Coulter

In her 2006 book, "Godless," Ann playfully chided the 9-11 widows, saying:

a) "How do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

b) "How do we know their husbands weren't liberals? If so, everyone is better off without them."

c) "How do we know their husbands didn't hate their lives? They're probably better off dead."

d) "How do we know these women didn't bomb the buildings? Have they been questioned?"

Ann, to coax chuckles from audiences, often refers to Arabs as:

a) "Camel jockeys."

b) "Ragheads."

c) "Jihad monkeys."

d) "Tent merchants."

e) All of the above.

DOCTOR PARKINSON 9. Rush Limbaugh

In 2006, Rush said of actor Michael J. Fox:

a) "He is exaggerating the effects of [Parkinson's Disease]. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act.... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

b) "I don't believe the time travel machine used by Michael J. Fox in the 'Back to the Future' movies is feasible. But I'm mostly interested in what you people have to say. As you know, that's the reason for this show."

c) "That thin body, the straight hair - Michael J. Fox does nothing for me, nothing. Now, Vin Diesel! G-r-r-r-r-r-ow! Oh, yeah, come over to Mount Rushimo, my little Diesel putt-putt pudding-maker!"

In the spirit of good clean fun, Rush often refers to U.S. Senator Barack Obama as:

a) "Barack Hussein Odumbo."

b) "Barack Hussein Obama."

c) "Osama Obama."

WHO FIRED YOU FOR BEING TOO CRASS? 10. Judith Regan

In 2006, Rupert Murdoch fired Judith after remarks she made to a lawyer. According to the lawyer's handwritten notes, Judith said:

a) "Of all people, the Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie."

b) "You know whose book I'd like to publish? Mel Gibson! That man has his shit together!"

c) "All day long I'd biddy biddy bum/If I were a wealthy man."

Before she lost her job, Judith hoped to publish a novel about Mickey Mantle, in which The Mick:

a) Has an affair with Marilyn Monroe while she's married to Joe DiMaggio.

b) Slashes his wife and a friend to death on an LA street corner, then pins it on a football player.

c) Meets five people in Heaven.

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER 11. (Tie) Britney Spears

In a 2006 three-minute video that circulated on the Internet, a disoriented Britney tells then-husband Kevin Federline that:

a) Time travel, as portrayed in Back to the Future, is real.

b) My Name is Earl is real.

c) Feeding two babies in one year takes a real toll on the funbags.

d) A surge of 20,000 troops could salvage victory in Iraq.

In 2006, while out on the own with Paris Hilton, Britney allowed paparazzi to photograph her without:

a) Underwear.

b) Her well-thumbed copy of Bertrand Russell's The Problems of Philosophy.

c) A record deal, if she keeps this up.

LIFE AFTER METH 11. (Tie) Rev. Ted Haggard

According to the Wall Street Journal, Ted liked to joke that his only disagreement with the leader of the Western world is:

a) "Mr. Bush drives a Ford pickup, whereas he prefers a Chevy."

b) "Mr. Bush drives troops into Iraq, whereas he prefers to drive his stiff penis into a butt of a man."

c) "Mr. Bush tried cocaine, whereas he prefers old-fashioned biker crank."

In 2006, after suffering through allegations of homosexuality and drug use, Ted said in a public statement:

a) "I am a deceiver and a liar. The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality...There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life."

b) "Jesus H. Christ, this blows. But guess what? I just found out that I can save big money on my car insurance! Haha. Just keeeding, folks, just keeeding. That's all for now, everybody. Aloha, God bless and goodnight!"

d) "I guess somebody's not going to find green gravy in the donation bucket tonight."

FALLOUT BOY 13. (Tie) Vladimir Putin

Before contracting fatal radiation poisoning under suspicious circumstances, former spy Alexander Litvinenko accused Vladimir of:

a) Pedophilia

b) Ascending to high office in a secret coup d'etat.

c) Racketeering.

d) Assassination.

e) All of the above.

Vladimir's wife, Russian First Lady Lyudmilla Shkrebneva Putin, is a former:

a) Flight attendant.

b) Star of the 2003 FOX hit reality series The Simple Life, in which she lived with a family on their farm in rural Altus, Arkansas.

c) Carolina Panthers cheerleader, until her arrest for having sex with another cheerleader in a tavern's bathroom stall.

d) Murderous head of the Russian counterintelligence department SMERSH, known for the Polonium-squirting blade that sprung from the toes from her heavy brown boots.

In 2006, Vladimir reportedly said of Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert:

a) "Quite a mighty man. He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him."

b) "He's never talks/Has a cock in the box."

c) "I'm telling you, nobody at his age hits that many home runs without help from a friendly needle."

d) "We will strike at Ehud Olmert through his friends at the Daily Planet!"

SHECKY WHITE 13. (Tie) Michael Richards

During a November 17, 2006 performance at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood, California, Michael proved himself to be:

a) "A fucking cracker ass motherfucker."

b) "Fucking white boy."

b) "A reject. Never had no shows, never had no movies. Seinfeld, that's it."

c) The worst stand-up comic in history.

d) All of the above.

The day after the incident, Michael:

a) Apologized on David Letterman's show, saying, "I'm deeply, deeply sorry."

b) Received a book contract from Judith Regan.

c) Was publicly noticed for the first time since 1999.

SIGN OF THE MACACALYPSE 15. George Allen

In 2006, George's political enemies ginned up a big public stink after he happened to single out an Indian student in a fundraiser and say, "Let's give a welcome to:

a) "Macaca."

b) "Chewbaca."

c) "Barack Hussein Obama."

d) "Ali Baba"

e) "Baba O'Reilly."

f) "Sugar Tits."

In 2006, George was shocked to learn that his mother is:

a) A self-loathing Jew.

b) A macaca.

c) A man.

d) His cousin.

SUICIDE BLONDE 16. Nancy Grace

In 2006, Nancy earned national headlines when soon after she grilled the mother of a missing child, the woman shot herself. This prompted Nancy to say:

a) "I do not feel that our show is to blame for what happened... The truth... is not always nice or polite or easy to go down. Sometimes it's harsh, and it hurts."

b) "I'm going to Disney World!"

c) "Jeez, I sure hope she killed that kid."

d) "No, it was beauty that killed the beast."

Nancy has co-authored a book titled:

a) Objection: How High-Priced Defense Attorneys, Celebrity Defendants and a 24/7 Media Have Hijacked Our Criminal Justice System

b) Perversion: How You Cocksuckers Should Burn In Hell, and If I Got Anything To Say, I'll Cut Your Fucking Dicks Off and Shove It Up Your Asses

c) How to Lose a Ratings War No Matter How Low You Sink

THE JOKER 17. John Kerry

In 2006, John got into hot water when he botched a joke, the punch line of which was supposed to be:

a) "You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."

b) "Hey, if I can just find my car keys, we can drive out of here."

c) "That's all I'm asking: Who's on Frist?"

d) "Pullout? That's what Bush's dad should have done!"

e) "He said, 'I'm trying! I'm trying!' Wait, did I mention his name was Johnny Fuckerfaster?"

John was the first candidate in U.S. Presidential politics to be:

a) "Swift-Boated."

b) "Karl Roved."

c) "Teresa Heinzed."

d) "Anal Bleached."

VIACOM DIOS 18. (Tie) Tom Cruise

In 2006, Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone made a decision to fire Tom because:

a) The media giant sustained economic damage due to Tom's controversial public behavior and views.

b) He couldn't figure out the plot of "Mission Impossible III."

c) Tom dumped him for a certain lady friend.

Tom's antics on Oprah gave birth to the culture-wide catchphrase:

a) "Jumping the couch."

b) "Staying the course."

c) "Waxing the dolphin."

d) "Choking the chicken."

e) "Driving the Space Highway with the L. Ron Rain Man."

THE DEVIL WORE NADA 18. (Tie) Paris Hilton

Paris is famous for her trademark line:

a) "That's hot!"

b) "You're fired!"

c) "Mission Accomplished!"

d) "Mama mia, That's a spicy meatball!"

e) "I trust you're not afraid of Herpes?"

In 2006, Paris was arrested for:

a) Drunk driving

b) Shooting her friend on a hunting trip

c) Looting

d) House of Wax

In interviews, Paris has compared herself to:

a) Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe.

b) Joan of Arc and Mary Magdalene.

c) Helen Thomas and Janet Reno.

d) Phil Rizzuto and Yogi Berra.

e) Dogshit.

DANCING WITH THE STARS 20. (Tie) Saddam Hussein

Looking back, Saddam never really recovered after:

a) The noose snapped his neck.

b) The manta ray plunged its stinger into his heart.

c) He drunkenly told LA police that Jews are the cause of all war.

d) He shook hands with Don Rumsfeld.

In Saddam's final letter, released after his death, he said of his enemies:

a) "Some of these people wept profusely when they said goodbye to me."

b) "There are, like, these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me and Paris, but everyone."

c) "Rosie's a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie."

d) "All they want to do is cut and run. I call them 'Defeatocrats.'"

IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP 20. (Tie) Donald Trump

In late 2006, after long, hard hours of contemplation, The Donald decided against:

a) Stripping Miss USA Tara Conner of her crown, due to excessive partying.

b) Losing weight and looking better.

c) Becoming less sanctimonious and more appreciative of the fact that he was born filthy rich.

d) All of the above.

In 2006, The Donald sued a biographer because he claimed The Donald:

a) Is just a millionaire, not a billionaire.

b) Writes songs and performs under the name "Cat Power."

c) Has a one-inch penis.

WE ARE MARTIAL 22. (Tie) Alberto Gonzales

Alberto has taken the oath to enforce:

a) U.S. law.

b) L.A. Law.

c) Murphy's Law.

d) Cardinal Law.

e) Jude Law

In 2006, Alberto shocked the the Senate Judiciary Committee when he said:

a) "President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale..."

b) "Keith Olbermann is a slimeball. a midget. a punk. I'd love to fight him. I'd make a pizza out of him."

c) "I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night of June 12, 1994, and it concerns the murder of my ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her young friend, Ronald Goldman. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night, because I know the facts better than anyone."

THE BREAST AND THE BRIGHTEST 22. (Tie) Katherine Harris

In 2006, after Katherine ripped through her third campaign manager, GOP leaders said they would not support her Senate bid because:

a) She could not win the general election.

b) Her mascara frightens children, and her breasts will never decompose.

c) She is, basically, one rich, screwed-up fucking ditz.

d) All of the above.

At a 2006 evangelical conference, Katherine rejected separation of church and state, adding, "If you're not electing Christians...

a) "...Then in essence you are going to legislate sin."

b) "...Clap your hands!"

c) "...Then you're electing the Jews, sugartits!"

CULTURAL LEARNINGS FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF AMERICA 22. (Tie) Bill O'Reilly

Bill has made it quite clear that he is damn sick and tired of:

a) Al Franken, Michael Savage, George Clooney, Jon Stewart, Keith Olbermann, David Letterman, Neal Boortz, Michael Kinsley, Bill Mahar, Mark Libbon and Ludacris.

b) NPR, Terry Gross, Bill Moyers, Tucker Carlson, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, The New York Times, The Daily News, The Corporation For Public Broadcasting, your local PBS station and Viewers Like You.

c) Andrea Macris, O.J. Simpson, Hollywood, AHOY, reporters, college professors, college students, colleges, pickers, grinners, lovers, sinners, jokers, smokers, midnight tokers, people who call him "the Space Cowboy," and people who call him "Maurice," 'cause he speaks for the pompatus of love.

d) All of the above.

On the radio last year, Bill told one disrespectful caller:

a) "When you call us, ladies and gentleman, just so you know, we do have your phone number. And if you say anything untoward, obscene, or anything like that, Fox security will then contact your local authorities, and you will be held accountable."

b) "So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your p***y but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business."

c) "If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush Administration again, all right?"

EYES ON THE PRIZE 22. (Tie) Nancy Pelosi

With a family net worth in excess of $25 million, Nancy is:

a) One of the richest members of Congress.

b) One of the richest women in Washington.

c) One of the reasons nobody trusts the Democratic Party.

d) All of the above.

In coming from a wealthy district of San Francisco, Nancy has the honor of representing:

a) The country's safest Democratic district, where Republicans comprise just 13 percent of registered voters.

b) Smelly hippies and sweet-scented homosexuals.

c) Barry Bonds.

d) The same big donors who own every other member of Congress.

d) All of the above.

LITTLE MR. SUNSHINE 26. John Mark Karr

Back in 1984, when he was just 19 years old, John Mark:

a) Briefly married a 13-year-old schoolgirl.

b) With only a few dollars in his pockets and a dream in his heart, launched Enron Corporation from the backseat of his 1966 Ford.

c) Confessed to the killing of JonBenét Ramsey.

Back in 1989, when he was 24 years old, John Mark:

a) Married his pregnant 16-year-old girlfriend.

b) Agreed to write "If I Did Her," a hypothetical autobiography for ReganBooks.

c) Confessed to the killing of JonBenét Ramsey.

TERROR INCOGNITA 27. Osama bin Laden

Physically, the FBI describes Osama as:

a) "Lanky, 6' 4" weighing 165 pounds, with an olive complexion, left-handed, and using a cane."

b) "Without make-up, not really all that hot."

c) "A journalistic punch line, whose TV magazine on Fox was canceled, so he's now lashing out at anybody and everybody."

Contrary to reports, Osama does not have a "thing" for Whitney Houston videos. He does, however, believe strongly that:

a) The United States eventually will fall.

b) Children are the future.

c) The greatest love of all is happening to him.

d) He will be your baby tonight.

SPIT PERSONALITY 28. Terrell Owens

Four days after Terrell was dumped by the Eagles, the Cowboys signed him to:

a) A $25 million contract.

b) Maintain their reputation as a vile, valueless franchise.

c) Lead them to second place.

d) Piss off Philadelphia.

e) Piss off Dallas.

In December, Terrell was find $35,000 for spitting:

a) In the face of Atlanta Falcons cornerback DeAngelo Hall during a game.

b) On Kenny Rogers' baseballs.

c) On Saddam Hussein at his hanging.

On Sept. 27, 2006, after allegedly attempting suicide with a drug overdose, Terrell assured reporters that:

a) He was "not depressed" and "very happy."

b) If he wanted to kill himself, he could have.

c) The pills were poorly thrown; that's why he dropped them.

d) Donovan McNabb is overrated.

NACHO LIBRE 29. Hugo Chavez

During his 2006 speech at the United Nations, Hugo said:

a) "The devil came here yesterday, and it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of. Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world."

b) "Whoa, dudes! Brown Alert! Whew, who cut the cheese? Satan?'"

c) "You think I am afraid of your American tough guys? I am here to take your women and to shit all over your floor. Then we will see who your Bruce Willis really is."

d) "So this is New York? Hey, what is wrong with A-Rod?"

Hugo opened his speech to the U.N. by recommending that people read:

a) "Hegemony or Survival," by Noam Chomsky."

b) "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman," by Lois Lane.

c) "O Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto," by Tom Peyer and Hart Seely.

IRAQI BALBOA 30. Muqtada al-Sadr

In the Iraq war, Muqtada is on:

a) Their side.

b) Our side.

c) Nobody's side.

d) Genocide.

e) All of the above.

The name "Muqtada! Muqtada! Muqtada!" was chanted:

a) By a jeering mob in the chaotic final moments of Saddam Hussein's life.

b) By supporters of the Muslim cleric at his 39th birthday party, which he celebrated by devouring a newborn child.

c) By hard-of-hearing Virginians, who mistakenly thought that's what Senator George Allen call student S.R. Siddharth.

FOX NEWS POLITICAL ANALYST 31. (Tie) Tony Snow

If Tony dislikes the tone of a reporter's question, he is known to:

a) Reply in a mocking and condescending manner.

b) Leak classified information about the reporter's spouse to columnist Robert Novak.

c) Kill the reporter and feed the corpse to the victim's family.

In 2006, when Tony signed off for his final show as host of Fox News Sunday, he said:

a) "Nothing matters more than loving those around you."

b) "Only if you have been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."

c) "Today, I have delivered a letter to the Speaker of the House informing him of my decision to resign. I am deeply sorry and I apologize for letting down my family and the people of Florida."

d) "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach."

THE VIEW FROM NOWHERE 31. (Tie) Rosie O'Donnell

Believe it or not, in high school Rosie was:

a) Homecoming queen, prom queen, class clown and senior class president.

b) Football captain, cafeteria monitor and sergeant-at-arms for the Tool & Die Club.

c) Babysitter for the family of future vice president Dick Cheney.

In 2006, Rosie said of Donald Trump:

a) "I just think that this man is sort of like one of those, you know, snake oil salesmen in 'Little House on the Prairie. [He] left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair. Had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America?"

b) "Had the decision been left to [him], Saddam Hussein would still be in power in Iraq."

c) "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. This is really shameless of [him.] Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

ARMED ROBBER 33. Tom DeLay

Because of his political style, Tom long ago earned the nickname:

a) "Hammer."

b) "Saw."

c) "Universal Clamp."

d) "Six-Inch Punch."

e) "Power Screw Gun."

f) "Portable Stud-Finder."

In 2006, Tom:

a) Petitioned a judge to restore his gun license, which was suspended under Texas law when he was indicted for a felony.

b) Killed two guards while escaping from a maximum security penitentiary.

c) Detonated a suitcase nuke in a Los Angeles suburb.

Among the courtesies Tom allegedly received from lobbyists were:

a) Paid golfing holidays to Scotland, concert tickets, and the use of luxury skyboxes for fundraisers.

b) $3.5 million for a book detailing he might have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, had he done it.

c) A mysterious black puzzle box that grants its owners great power but condemns them to the darkest agonies of Hell.

CASINO ROYALE 34. Jack Abramoff

Jack is currently living:

a) In a minimum secure federal prison.

b) At an undisclosed, secure location with round-the-clock Secret Service agents, ensuring that he can take command in case the President is unable to continue duties.

c) In a grimy industrial washroom, handcuffed to a pipe and anticipating a gruesome death, unless he cuts off his hand with a rusted saw.

d) In Kevin Federline's trailer.

As a top lobbyist, one of Jack's jobs was:

a) Representing the General Council for Islamic Banks, whose chairman had been investigated for funding terrorist organizations.

b) Introducing clients to Paris Hilton.

c) Shoveling coal for $5 a week, plus delivering papers, to feed his family.

R U HORNY?? OMFG!!! ; ) 35. Mark Foley

In 2006, when ABC News asked why Mark had requested that a young page email him a photo, Mark's office replied:

a) Requesting photos is standard practice.

b) If they knew how hot that page was, they'd want a picture, too.

c) GOP leaders had investigated this, so it was a waste of time pursuing the matter.

d) They'd get back to them after the election.

While at the 2004 Republican Convention, the 17-year old pictured above with Mark wrote in his blog:

a) Congressman Mark Foley had to return to DC to accompany FEMA back to the District to help with the relief efforts for hurricane Frances. Mark's sister Donna took the time to call me and tell me to pick up an envelope they left for me at the front desk with a small surprise. I opened the envelope to find Mark's final evening Floor credentials and a note encouraging me to make him proud. What could anyone say except, THANK YOU!

b) Click to download "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson

c) Here is a picture of my adorable kitty!!!

After the page scandal broke, Mark's lawyer revealed to reporters that:

a) Mark is gay.

b) Mark is alcoholic.

c) In his early teens, Mark was sexually abused by a clergyman.

d) Mark was NOT suggesting those fact were an excuse.

e) All of the above.

FAUX PA 36. Kevine Federline

According to Wrestler Observer magazine, while preparing to compete in a 2006 professional wrestling tournament, Kevin:

a) Approached each grappler for advice, winning respect and a profound admiration for his sincerity and work ethic.

b) Masqueraded as an Eastern European reporter, at one point brandishing a baggie full of dung and coaxing them to make racist remarks.

c) Got a text message of his impending nasty divorce from Fox News anchor Brit Hume.

In his 2006 autobiographical hit "Lose Control," Kevin wrote:

a) "Look man I'm in a whole 'nother tax bracket/ It don't matter what you blow, boy you can't match it / 40 grand I take the whole crew to Miami / Then we pop Crys off like they won Grammy's."

b) "I decided long ago/ never 2 walk in anyone's shadow / if I fail, if I succeed/ At least I lived as I believe./ No matter what they take from me / they can't take away my dignity / B-cuz the greatest love of all / is happening 2 me."

c) "So how do U thank someone / Who has taken U from crayons 2 perfume?/ it isn't easy but I'll try/ If U wanted the sky / i would write across the sky in letters / that would soar 1,000 feet high / 2 sir with love."

OFF THE GRID 37. (Tie) Ken Lay

In life, Ken was often hailed by President George W. Bush as:

a) "Kenny Boy."

b) "Kenny G."

c) "The best damn Lay I ever had."

At his trial, Ken shocked the court by saying:

a) "Am I a fool? I don't think I'm a fool. But I think I sure was fooled."

b) "If you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

c) "A lot of the chiefs of staff, the people who really run the underpinnings of the Republican Party, are gay. I don't want to mention names. Ken Mehlman. OK, there's one."

THE WRATH OF CON 37. (Tie) Condoleezza Rice

Condi has a hard-earned reputation as the President's:

a) Secretary of State.

b) Partner on the Stairmaster.

c) Right hand.

In 2006, as death tolls mounted in a war between Lebanon and Israel, Condi:

a) Gave a piano concert in Asia, delayed calls for a cease-fire and described the fighting as "the birth pangs of a new Middle East."

b) Appeared disoriented and flaky toward her fellow judges on "American Idol."

c) Asked a Congressional page in a bizarre email: "Do I make U horny?"

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK 39. (Tie) Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hillary's maiden name is:

a) Rodham.

b) Ramrod.

c) A-Rod.


In 2006, Hillary publicly said to Donald Rumsfeld:

a) "Given your track record, Secretary Rumsfeld, why should we believe your assurances now?"

b) "Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia."

c) "I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind, and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing, and I'd put it on your pussy."

HERBIE THE LOVE DRUG 39. (Tie) Lindsay Lohan

In 2006, the heavily freckled and occasionally pretty Lindsay dated:

a) Actor Wilmer Valderrama.

b) Greek millionaire Stavros Niarchos.

c) Frankly, who the fuck gives a shit?

After the death of director Robert Altman, Lindsay emailed his grief-stricken family to say:

a) "He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do. So every day when you wake up. Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments. The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious."

b) "O Captain! My captain! Our fearful trip is done; The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won."

c) "At times like this, we must not give in to the voices of despair. There will be victory in Iraq."

Run-Up To The Countdown: The Instant Poll Results

Before we count down your top 40 choices for Asshole Of The Year--climaxing with the anal coronation of Your 2006 AHOY--here are the results of The Best Instant Poll On The Internet. We asked:



And a whopping 449 of you answered:



A 30% plurality in a field of 20? Now that's a surge!

Come back Wednesday as we--and by we, we mean you--launch the greediest binge on democracy since Florida 2000:

The Countown To The A.H.O.Y.